


Telenovela

by pearlsapphiresnapdragon



Category: Danny Phantom
Genre: Babies, DxP established relationship, F/M, Parody, Telenovela, possibly creepy, possibly funny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-14
Updated: 2013-10-13
Packaged: 2017-12-29 09:04:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1003551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pearlsapphiresnapdragon/pseuds/pearlsapphiresnapdragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Danny falls asleep after watching a telenovela with Paulina and has a terrible, awful, horrendous nightmare, in which he is the male protagonist of his own telenovela, Siesta de pasión. Who will he choose, his rich fiancé Paulina or the love of his life, poor but infinitely virtuous Samantha Angelica? (Note: Siesta de pasión means Nap of Passion)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Fair warning: This is probably going to seem really strange and possibly creepy to anyone who doesn’t watch telenovelas.

Prólogo

“Why is Maria Angelica crying?” Danny asked. _This time_ , he didn’t add.

            Not taking her eyes off the screen, Paulina answered, “She can’t get another job as a maid because Elena’s telling all the other rich people in the city that she stole a priceless family heirloom.”

            “I see.” He shifted his arm to a slightly more comfortable position around her shoulders. On the TV, Elena seduced Maria Angelica’s boyfriend, Jose Alfredo. (Who also happened to be Elena’s fiancé since before either of them were even born. After Elena’s grandfather saved Jose Alfredo’s grandfather from drowning, they made a pact that someday their bloodlines would be united in marriage, and thus, their vast ranches combined. Elena’s grandfather died when she was a child, but it remained Jose Alfredo’s grandfather’s dearest wish to see their pact realized, in honor of his old friend. To everyone’s dismay, Jose Alfredo fell irrevocably in love with Maria Angelica shortly after setting the wedding date with Elena.)

            A half hour into the show, Jose Alfredo confessed to Maria Angelica what he had done with Elena, and they had teary make-up sex, after Jose Alfredo promised never to touch Elena again, not even with a ten-foot pole. Presumably. Danny’s grasp of the convoluted logic telenovela characters lived by was, admittedly, a bit hazy and his grasp of Spanish was nothing short of mud.

            “Mosca muerta,” Paulina grumbled darkly.*

            While he wasn’t entirely sure what that meant, Danny could tell it wasn’t complimentary. He wisely refrained from pointing out all the nasty things Elena had done to poor, beatifically radiant Maria Angelica.

            The show came back from commercials. “I bet she’s pregnant now,” Paulina said sourly, when Maria Angelica fainted in the middle of a tense argument, right after Jose Alfredo’s mother screeched that she’d rather die than see her son married to a maid that death wanted to eat.** Or something like that.

            It turned out Maria Angelica was indeed pregnant, as the previews for the next episode revealed. In an absolutely _shocking_ twist, it would appear that Elena was too.

            “I am so glad I don’t live in a telenovela. It seems pretty stressful,” Danny said, stretching his arms way up above his head. He yawned.

             “I think it could be kind of fun, for a little while. All that _drama_ ,” said Paulina with distinct relish.

            Danny yawned again.

            “You sleepy, Danny?”

            “Yeah, I didn’t get much sleep last night.” With the ghost portal locking mechanism on the fritz, he’d been up catching ghosts most of the night. Thankfully his parents repaired it early this morning.

            “You can nap here. I don’t mind,” she offered. “I’m just going to be watching my novelas anyway.”

            “You know, that doesn’t sound too bad,” he said, starting to get up.

            “Where are you going?”

            “Uh, to nap?”

            “In my room? Do you want my dad to murder you?” Paulina asked. Danny blanched. Paulina chuckled. “I meant right here, silly, on the sofa.”

            She pulled him down, settling his head in her lap. Danny wondered how this could possibly be better than him sleeping, alone, in her bed. He blinked nervously. Blinked again, this time a little longer. The third time, his eyes refused to open back up. He drifted off, dimly aware of the next show starting up in the background….

* * *

**AN:** Thank you for reading!

* Mosca muerta is a derogatory idiomatic phrase in Spanish used by telenovela antagonists to indicate that the protagonist uses her sweet, innocent persona to get whatever she wants (that behind the naïve and wholesome façade she is in fact a consummate manipulator). Literally, though, it means dead fly.

** Here, Danny’s misinterpreting something Jose Alfredo’s mother said. She called Maria Angelica a _muerta de hambre_ , which actually means someone so poor they’re going to die of hunger. Rich, snooty mothers-in-law-to-be in telenovelas are always calling the financially challenged protagonist this.


	2. Nap of Passion

Siesta de pasión

Danny stretches and climbs out of bed. He quickly pulls on a light blue button-up shirt, a pair of black jeans, and matching black boots. Glancing in the mirror, he admires his mysteriously broadened shoulders and the way his arms bulge out of stylishly rolled up sleeves. For a moment something seems off about the image, as if it isn’t what he’s used to seeing in mirrors. He shakes off the feeling and heads downstairs.

            Today he’ll be having breakfast with his fiancé, Paulina. Danny’s pace quickens in anticipation. At the bottom of the stairs, he collides with Samantha Angelica, one of the hacienda maids. She blushes and apologizes profusely.

            “I’m so sorry, Don Danny! I didn’t see you coming,” she says shyly. Again, that sense of wrongness touches his thoughts. Had Samantha Angelica always been this timid? Oh, well. She is now.

            “Don’t worry about it, Samantha Angelica,” he says magnanimously. They stare deeply into each other’s eyes and suddenly Danny feels the overwhelming need to kiss her. Only the thought of his beautiful fiancé holds him back. He turns to leave…

            …can’t. Turns back to face her. “Oh, Samantha Angelica, it is no good! My heart, you have captured it!” he exclaims, his left hand seizing the fabric of his shirt over the organ in question.

            “Your heart’s on the other side, Don Danny,” says Samantha Angelica. She takes his hands in hers and her eyes shine, a rapturous smile gracing her sublime features. “But, even if you are a little dumb, I accept you! I accept all of your flaws, your narcissistic primping, your inability to think straight in the presence of beautiful women, even your excessive bouts of emotion! For I have loved you since the moment I set eyes on you, Don Danny!”

            “Oh, Samantha Angelica! We shall never be parted, my love,” he says, swooping in for the most passionate kiss of all time.

            They kiss. And kiss. And kiss. Finally, Samantha Angelica pulls away. “What about your fiancé? Oh, what a horrible pair of wretches we are!”

            Danny’s heart sinks. “Indeed. Poor, sweet Paulina. What did she ever do to deserve a cheater like me? Well, there’s nothing we can do about it now. I better go break up with her, so that we’re not cheater cheater pumpkin eaters anymore,” he resolves. It’s a painful but necessary resolution. “Wait here, my love. I will return shortly.”

            Samantha Angelica nods firmly. “I will wait for all eternity if I have to. Here, at the bottom of the stairs.”

            Danny sends her one last, longing look before he steps towards the breakfast room with determination. He sits down and his eyes bore into his fiancé’s. “Paulina, I – ”

            He stops. _I don’t want to hurt you, dear childhood friend, but I am in love with another. What can I do, how can I tell you this without breaking your heart into a million tiny pieces?_

            “Yes, my love?” Paulina says sweetly.

            “I, uh – can you pass me the salt?”

            “Of course, my love,” and she passes the salt, licking her bottom lip slowly. Danny watches her, his weak male eyes entranced.

            In the next second, they’re on the table, fine dishes shattering on the floor, expensive clothes ripping and sailing through the air. They’re just getting to the good part when the scene fades to black and a cereal jingle starts up. Damn.

 ***

“I’m pregnant,” Paulina announces after the commercial break.

           Danny’s mouth opens and closes of its own accord. Beyond the open door, still waiting at the bottom of the stairs, Samantha Angelica gasps and covers her mouth. “Nooooooo, Don Danny! Don Danny, my love! I’m miraculously pregnant too! I must leave this place at once, so that no one will ever know about our love child!” No one hears her, even though she’s wailing quite loudly about how her poor, innocent child will have to bear the name of bastard because of her idiotic indiscretion. They don’t even hear it when she slams the main door on the way out. The whole house rattles ominously and storm clouds gather in the distance.

           “How can this be?” Danny shouts to the heavens, his hands thrown up in supplication, as if he’s begging for it not to be true. _Now I can never be with Samantha Angelica! I have to marry this witch and provide for our child._ He shudders. Then dissolves into tears.

           Paulina smiles and it’s a cold, malicious thing, all ice and glass shards. She crosses the room to where Danny is on his knees, shaking. “Don’t worry, my love. You will be a good father,” she says.

           Danny looks up, his sobs pausing uncertainly. A tentative hand reaches out to rest on her stomach. Unconditional love washes over him, more powerful than anything he’s ever felt before. _Yes, I will be a good father to you, my child, even though your mother is a conniving shrew and I wish you were Samantha Angelica’s instead_.

           Paulina slaps him, hard. “Don’t even think that whore’s name in my presence!” she shrieks.

           “I’m sorry,” he says meekly. It’s not right to go around upsetting pregnant ladies. To take her mind off his grievous slight, he says, “Hey! Why don’t we go pick out our wedding invitations?”

           Paulina thinks it over, then nods, mollified. “Sounds good. Come, my slave.”

           The scene shifts again.

 ***

The wedding march plays and Danny, utterly miserable (you can tell by the way his eyes are all red-rimmed and _intense_ ), watches heavily pregnant Paulina flounce triumphantly towards him on her father’s arm. Mr. Sanchez puts her hand in Danny’s, fixing him with a look that’s both watery and menacing. The priest fast-forwards to the part where he asks if there are any objections.

            The doors to the church burst open with a resounding _bam!_ that reverberates for miles around. “I object!” shrills Ember.

            Danny gapes at her and her enlarged stomach. She must have really been hitting those moon pies. “Ember???!!! What are you doing here?!!”

            “Danny! You can’t marry Paulina! You have to marry me because – I’m pregnant!”

            Paulina starts screaming at the precise moment that loud, scandalized voices break out all through the church.

            “That deadbeat!!!”

            “No sense of shame whatsoever – !!!”

            “So, I was thinking maybe I should stop and get some bread after the wedding – ”

            And booming above them all, so that everyone shuts up and pays attention, “Whelp! How dare you touch my woman! I will pulverize you!”

            Skulker steps into the aisle and aims a gun towards the altar. Danny sweeps an arm out in front of his almost wife and unborn child. “I never touched your woman, Skulker! Now point that weapon away from _my_ woman or else!”

            “Or else what, rugged pretty boy?”

            Skulker’s finger twitches. Danny transforms. Wedding guests gasp. Paulina swoons.

            They prepare to duel, circling in midair while people hide under the pews.

            “Wait!” cries Ember. “I lied! The baby’s yours, cutie bear!”

            Skulker’s metal features go slack and he sinks heavily to the ground before her. “Really? Why didn’t you tell me sooner, sugar mama?”

            “I’ve just – it’s been – ugh, damn hormones!” she says and throws herself into Skulker’s waiting arms.

            The wedding guests begin to emerge cautiously from under their pews. A smattering of applause rises to a crescendo and they begin to chant, “Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” Ember and Skulker kiss and the crowd explodes into wild applause.

            Beside Danny, the priest wipes a tear from the corner of his eye. “Ah, ghastly love.”

            Danny eyes him, a sudden, generous and possibly a bit insane idea taking hold. “Excuse me, father, do you think we could make this a double wedding?”

            The priest claps happily. “I don’t see why not! Oy, ghost lovers! How about a wedding today?”

            Skulker and Ember look into each other’s eyes, smile, and nod, perfectly in sync. “Hell no!” says Skulker at the same time as Ember says, “Perfect!”

            Ember glares Skulker into submission. “I mean, absolutely!” says Skulker. He’s totally whipped.

            Ember preens. They take their places beside Danny and Paulina, who still looks a little dazed and a whole lotta happy. “I’m marrying the Ghost Boy!” she squeals to herself.

            The priest is well into the resumed ceremony when the doors again crash open with all the subtlety of a cannon firing. Danny turns to see who it is this time and his heart stops. Or at least it would, if he were in his other form.

            “Don Danny!” says Samantha Angelica. She’s covered in sheeny sweat, her breathing labored. “I have something I must tell you! I – ”

            All of a sudden she grabs her very gravid, Danny notes, stomach and collapses. Danny runs to her. He’s halfway there when Paulina cries out behind him. His head whips around. Oh no! Paulina’s collapsed too! Danny looks from one to the other, torn. In anguish, he too collapses, hitting his knees in the middle of the aisle, just as Ember emits a hair-raising wail.

            “A doctor! A doctor! Three doctors!” cries the priest.

            Luckily among the wedding guests there are three doctors, and even more fortuitously, they’re all obstetricians, plus a number of midwives. There’s no time to get the three pregnant ladies to a hospital, so they decide they have to deliver the babies right there in the church. Danny runs back and forth between Paulina and Samantha Angelica. He notices Mr. Sanchez drifting in consternation between the two as well.

            “Is something wrong, Mr. Sanchez?” Danny asks considerately of his maybe father-in-law. With all the confusion, he’s forgotten whether they made it to the “I do’s” or not.

            “Daniel, I-I think Samantha Angelica is my daughter too.” His eyes turn inward, wandering an old path he hasn’t been down in over 18 years. “Yes, I am sure. She looks just like her mother, Samantha Antonia. Oh, my poor daughter whom I never held, never loved, never treasured! I will make it up to you, my darling,” he promises, sinking to his knees and taking Samantha Angelica’s hand in his.

            Danny notices that all the household staff and ranch hands and even all the Sanchez and Fenton family members who came to the wedding have gathered around Samantha Angelica. He looks over across the church at Paulina, still by the altar and alone but for the doctor and midwives. He looks down at Samantha Angelica one more time and feels her grip on his heart fall away. She doesn’t need him. Paulina, shrew though she may be, does.

            “Hey, sweetheart. How are you doing?” he asks softly, taking Paulina’s hand. She clenches her fingers around his automatically.

            “Fuck you!” she grunts.

            Danny smiles. _That’s my little shrew_.

 ***

A tiny, perfect daughter is born to Danny and Paulina. A not so tiny but no less perfect son is born to Danny and Samantha Angelica. After the births, Paulina and Samantha Angelica stand face-to-face, holding their perfect babies bundled up in little blankets, pink and blue respectively, so that no one accidentally mixes them up. Danny stands nervously off to the side, ready to intervene should the sisters begin trying to pummel each other with whatever’s convenient, namely his babies. Paulina’s mouth opens, Danny tenses, ready to spring forward.

            “Samantha Angelica, my dearest sister, I apologize with all my heart for the wrongs I have visited upon you,” says Paulina and she hangs her head in deepest repentance.

            Samantha Angelica smiles beatifically. “I accept your apology, though it’s entirely unnecessary. We are sisters. Sisters fight.”

            “Yeah, I guess,” says Paulina, thinking of all the times she tried to set Samantha Angelica up for a fall down the stairs or tampered with the brakes on her bicycle. Her lips quirk up in an involuntary smile. She shakes her head a little. _Bad Paulina! You can’t wish misfortune on the mosca muerta anymore!_

            Sensing that he’s been forgotten, Danny interrupts their sisterly moment, “What about me? Aren’t you going to fight over me?”

            Samantha Angelica looks to the heavens for divine guidance. When she again levels her gaze on Danny, her face is the very picture of queenly grace. “I will raise our son, Don Danny. You marry my sister, for I am strong and independent and I have the whole Sanchez family by my side now and they love me more than they ever loved Paulina.”

            Paulina glares at her. “You tryna start something with me, skank ho?”

            “Now, now, sweetie,” says Danny placatingly, his hands lifting into a ‘halt’ gesture. He puts an arm around her shoulders and steers her away with some difficulty, her flawlessly manicured claws outstretched behind her, towards Samantha Angelica.

            Finally he gets her out into the glorious daylight, at the top of the church steps. “My love, let us forget all the unpleasantness that has come before this and instead promise to love each other and our daughter with every fiber of our beings,” says Danny, eyes smoldering tenderly down at the two most perfect women in the world.

            Paulina smolders back seriously. “Daniel Fenton, promise me that you will love me and only me, forsaking all others and especially that skank for as long as we both shall live.”

            “I promise. Now you, Paulina Sanchez, promise me that you won’t try to murder or otherwise damage anyone I know, physically or psychologically, ever again,” he replies.

            “I promise.”

            “I now pronounce you man and wife!” says the priest from the open church doorway. Behind him all the wedding-goers have gathered to watch and coo. “You may kiss the bride!”

            And Danny kisses his bride, sweetly, like a man so in love he doesn’t know which way is up and which way is down. The wedding guests cheer and the full ghost and two part ghost children flutter around like neon cherubs, tugging at Paulina's hair and kicking the back of Danny's head.

            The scene fades to black, except for a single cursive word.

            _Fin._


	3. Epilogue

Epílogo

Danny sat up with a start.

            “What’s wrong?” Paulina asked, putting a hand on his (thankfully not bulging) bicep.

            “I just had the strangest, most terrifying dream of my life,” Danny answered, stark white and staring straight ahead.

            “You want to talk about it?”

            “No!” Danny half-shouted. “Uh, sorry. I’m just kind of shaken up. I think – I think I better get going.”

            Danny left as fast as his legs would carry him. His legs weren’t fast enough, so he went ghost and flew at top speed to the nearest neighborhood drugstore. Other shoppers gasped to see Danny Phantom frantically floating up and down the aisles, muttering to himself, “no babies, gotta make sure!” over and over.

            He found what he was looking for and, unsure which ones he would need, grabbed every box on the shelf. The cashier, a girl a few years older than him, stared brazenly as she rang him up, thinking salacious, wondering thoughts about why in the world Danny Phantom would need so many condoms in so many textures, flavors and sizes.

 ***

He rose through the roof of the store with his bag full of condoms in hand. A few minutes later, his ghost sense alerted him to the presence of Skulker. Danny shuddered.

            “Here, man,” he said, handing Skulker one of the boxes of condoms. “You’re going to need these. Trust me.”

            Skulker turned the box over in his hands uncomprehendingly. Just then Ember appeared. “Cutie bear! I have a surprise for you!” she said, her hand resting low on her stomach and her smile broad, like Danny remembered from his dream.

            “Too late,” he whispered in horror and fled for the sake of his sanity.

* * *

 

**AN:** This is by far the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever written. If you made it this far, I applaud you and offer profuse thanks.


End file.
